Dear Bobby, This isn’t the letter I wanted to write. It just isn’t how it is supposed to be but sadly it is the way it has turned out. You’re 3 years old! But you have been loved for much longer than 3 years – you are the first person I ever loved before I met you. I loved you as soon as I found out your mum was pregnant and I have loved you more every day since. We…
Content warning: this is heavy, you may want to look at pictures of puppies after reading To carry a baby to full term with a perfect pregnancy, to turn up to hospital having contractions and full of excitement with a car seat in the car, to have a straightforward labour and birth and for our baby boy Lenny to die as we watched helplessly is unfathomable. To arrive at hospital less than 8 months later and halfway through another pregnancy…
Well there aren’t are there!? Literally no words. Even my friend who never swears swore about how bad it is that Lenny died. I haven’t seen her since Bhai died – maybe now every second word is F*ck? We received a card for our wedding anniversary – I don’t know who it is from because it had no words in it, zero. People have literally run out of words. People have text me saying “I don’t know what to say”…
I can’t believe this is an international day that we now know about. I can’t believe you are a bereaved father – twice. I can’t believe how many bereaved fathers there are and yet only people in this shitty club know this day exists, the rest of the world can ignore it. A year ago we were anticipating Lenny’s arrival. A textbook healthy pregnancy entering the third trimester – we were on the home straight. We thought our biggest problem…
She’s MINT!!!!!! My words cannot do this incredible mother, wife and absolute warrior justice! But seeing it is out 10 year wedding anniversary I’m going to try, it cant be worse than that poor speech I did at our wedding!. We met at the University of Sheffield, we both had a passion for the outdoors and a good party! We quickly fell in love at the climbing wall and a first date at Casanova, what a romantic! From first meeting…
We aren’t a gushy couple – never celebrated Valentine’s Day, once Roy bought me some mountain biking shoes for a wedding anniversary and once I bought him a picture. We value each others’ presence over presents. But we love each other so much. Our love of adventure, the outdoors and our Derbyshire roots drew us together – at the tender age of 20 when our biggest problem was running out of mixer and drinking spirits straight. It’s really easy to…
Dear Lenny, 8 months since the best and worst day of our lives. 8 months since we arrived at the hospital, me having contractions full of joy and excitement. 8 months since we witnessed the shock and devastation on the faces of the wonderful medical team who tried so hard to save you. 8 months since you were born and then you died. There are lots of things about that day that I will never forget, like the look on…
Someone I spoke to about Lenny’s death before Bhai died shared with me some of her journey with IVF. One of the comments she made which stuck with me is that we have so little control over the whole of fertility, pregnancy and childbirth. We can’t “hard work” our way through it. This lack of control is something I have really felt since Lenny died. It felt like the ultimate example of how unpredictable life (and death) can be. A…
My birthday was less than two months after Lenny died. I absolutely dreaded it. Another cruel ‘milestone’ that I was supposed to celebrate with my son. Also, Lenny died on his birthday, how could I celebrate my birthday or anyone else’s ever again? A good friend advised: “you can’t just ignore it, it will still happen and you will still feel shit.’ So we planned something very low key and unbirthdayish just to ensure that I wasn’t alone on the…
WARNING FOUL LANGUAGE! No parents should have to sign two post mortem forms within 7 months, actually no one should ever have to sign that form! We were offered the ‘post mortem booklet and we told the consultant that we already had a copy and knew all about it! .. this is not a booklet that anyone should have to read! What the fuck has happened to our lives in the last 7 months? Mim has summed up the death…