Holding Space

If you are supporting bereaved parents (or indeed anyone who is going through something incredibly difficult) this is my number one tip to support them.

Professionals do this as part of therapeutic roles but you don’t need to be a therapist to do this effectively – this is an important skill for all of us. Below, I will explain simply how to do this and a brief explanation about why it is helpful.

1. Listen – give the person space to speak, really actively listen to what they say. Carefully listen to what the person says without interrupting, making assumptions or judging them. You can clarify or reflect things back to them to show you have heard them and want to understand their experience and feelings.
2. Validate feelings – affirm to the person that the way they are feeling is understandable and valid given their experiences. Allow the person to express their feelings, if they cry you can offer them a tissue. In these situations, “I hear how painful this is for you,” is much more useful than, “don’t cry”
3. Avoid trying to fix – very sadly none of us can fix baby and child loss. Attempting to fix can result in people not feeling heard and feeling as though you are diminishing their loss. Instead, acknowledging how devastating their experience is for them is helpful.

Why is it helpful? – holding space for people can make them feel understood. Child loss is an isolating experience but doing this can make people feel less alone and like you are walking this alongside them. Using this approach meets the person where they are at on any given day, grief is incredibly changeable and it isn’t linear so this is a useful approach to getting it right for them. Many people supporting bereaved parents worry about saying the wrong thing but this approach means you don’t say much.

Sounds simple, but is it? – some people do this naturally and with ease, these people are often confused about what it is that they are doing which is helpful (because this isn’t really about ‘doing’ much). When we care about people we really want to take away their pain but as above, trying to do this can feel invalidating for them because they are in such emotional pain because their child has died. Doing this involves witnessing people’s grief and pain. It also means putting ourselves in proximity to tragedy, trauma and grief. Conversely, saying things like, “I can’t even imagine,” distances ourselves from the person in pain.

Important tips:

• You can hold space whilst doing another activity – (walking, drinking tea, playing sport, cycling, doing something creative or artistic) and often people find it easier to be open with their feelings when the focus is something else;
• Be aware of your capacity – there might be times when you don’t feel like you can do this and sit with someone’s pain. That is ok, it is ok to communicate when you are able to be there and what you are able to do;
• Practice – like any skill this takes practice, it isn’t always our natural response as so many of us have a tendency to want to fix;
• Other applications – you might find this is useful for other people in various situations – breakups, illness, or job loss to name a few. You don’t have to have experienced these things to take time to understand how this feels for people.