One. Probably the cutest age. I remember your cousin Bobby turning one, we made him a custom built balance bike – totally age inappropriate but amazing. One whole year ago I gave birth to you. We arrived at the hospital a couple of days after your due date in labour. All was going well. The atmosphere was jovial and the monitors showed you were doing well and so was I. Then things turned on a knife edge. We met you…
This is why we are cycling from Auckland to Queenstown and making a film to raise awareness of baby loss. 832. It isn’t the number of miles we will do, it isn’t the number of hours Roy will wear the same pair of pants before he changes them and it isn’t even the number of times puppy Mac wags his tail in the space of a minute. 832 is the estimated number of babies who will die shortly before, during,…
I wrote some of this blog when I was in hospital with Bhai, I edited it again a few days after and then updated it recently at the bottom. It is about our request that Bhai’s body be donated for medical science. The layout of the room was the same, the hospital “snack box” was the same and we were back making the same decisions that no parent should ever have to make for their child. Again. Twice in 8…
Content warning: foul language (sorry Julie) I used to do a lot of climbing and have always felt that being strong is such a positive attribute. Since Lenny died, I have started weight training with Mim, this has made me strong…. which is positive – side note – this is not a positive thing to come out of Lenny dying, NOTHING POSITIVE CAME OUT OF THE DEATH OF MY CHILD!!! Being physically strong has made a positive impact on my…
A job title I wouldn’t have known existed a year ago. It doesn’t even make sense. A job title that is in itself an oxymoron- death and birth in one job title. Birth and death coexisting together? Happening at the same time? I long for the days I thought that only happened in a bygone era. Of course it doesn’t make sense. Babies dying. Healthy, full term babies dying makes quite literally no sense. Yet it happens. On average 13…
Mim: It was an unconventional start to a relationship which I would probably call more of a friendship now……. one of the first interactions I had with Emily was her putting a few stitches in my nether regions. That isn’t my usual approach to making friends. I will rewind a little here. Lenny was born following a straightforward labour where there were no concerns until the last few minutes, the room filled with people, he was born and immediately resuscitated….
If there is one piece of advice I could give to those supporting bereaved parents it would be this – say their baby’s name. We know that when Lenny died, people were unsure if it was ok to say his name, so we made it pretty clear to those around us it wasn’t just ok but that we wanted people to say his name. We now understand this to be very common amongst other bereaved parents. Parents spend hours and…
October is baby loss awareness month, specifically 9th-15th October is baby loss awareness week. On the 15th October there is a global wave of light, at 7pm wherever you are in the world everyone is invited to light a candle for all the babies who have died. This is the first baby loss awareness month which has directly affected us after our son Lenny died at 40 weeks just after he was born due to a cord accident and losing…
40 weeks and 2 days. The exact amount of time we had with you alive. Today marks 40+2 days since you were born and died in front of our eyes. I don’t know how I am still breathing. I don’t know how my heart carried on beating after yours stopped. It will forever be a mystery to me why I haven’t drowned in my own tears on my bathroom floor. After today we will cross the threshold into spending more…
If I had a pound for every time someone asked if I was back at work since Lenny died I’d never have to work again… the irony. I don’t know whether it is seen as a sign of being ok, a benchmark of sanity that being back working means all is good, no need to worry about the crazy person any more or its just a topic of conversation. Either way no one enjoys work chat! But I haven’t been…