Little Bhai gave us hope at a time when then world was the darkest place imaginable. Bhai is the name we gave to our second son – it means brother in Hindi. Let me explain – around 3/4 months after our darling boy Lenny died, we got a positive pregnancy test result. We knew that another child could never ever replace Lenny and that was never a thought. But our wish to be parents to a living child didn’t die…
I met Moy for lunch recently. We don’t generally meet in a public place since Lenny died. We go out in nature or drink tea at home and chat. So, I spent a long time trying to find a place which wouldn’t put gluten in everything and, if I’m honest, a place that I hoped wouldn’t be full of prams. Protecting them feels like a natural instinct. We ended up in a cafe suggested by Mim, which I suspected would…
Lenny’s death has recently been officially classified as a neonatal death. Before this, it wasn’t entirely clear whether Lenny died in the last seconds of labour which would be classed as an intrapartum stillbirth or a neonatal death. As parents you always want to know exactly what happened to your child but these small details don’t make a difference because the fact of the matter remains that we never held him in our arms whilst he was alive. In those…
After a varied week I felt I needed to do something for the little guy, so we now have an Instagram account, Not much on yet, but lots of Lenny’s adventures and grief content soon. It’s been an absolute SHITTER of a few days (sorry for the language but I’m not articulate enough to express my emotions more appropriately) The HSIB report is has been on the whole a horrible experience, its made us feel really dark and I’ve tried…
When Lenny died we were in shock. We went to the hospital full of excitement (well Roy was, I was in the van thinking we better get there quick this baby is coming and it turns out I was right). The rest of the labour was quick and straightforward until right at the end when his heartrate decelerated. The doctors knew he needed to be born and were ready to offer a little bit of help. No one thought he…
I read a Guardian article which made me cross, well not the article but the topic. It is about something termed, ‘prolonged grief,’ the article is here: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2022/jun/16/prolonged-grief-disorder-diagnosis-us. The DSM is the Diagnostic Statistical Manual which categorises mental health disorders in the US, it is very influential in the UK, anyway now the disorder, ‘prolonged grief’ has been added. The article does discuss some general scepticism about the DSM (rightly in my opinion). I have some additional concerns to add…
If you attended the 2022 SANDS garden day at the National Memorial Arboretum, you would have most certainly heard this poem, and maybe thought, What? Otherwise, you may have heard it thrown about the grief or baby loss community, or you have not heard about it at all before. Either way, It annoys me, not because I don’t like poetry (which I don’t), but it completely misrepresents how grieving parents feel. Ok, I’ll explain. So SANDS used it at as…
I first met the ‘new normal’ on the 19th December 2021, the day after Lenny had died. We were sat in the bereavement suite at Chesterfield hospital, on the side there were some child loss pamphlets and a child loss book, with the phrase, your ‘new normal,’ in the title. As you do, I read the title and judged a book by its cover and immediately thought … Sod off! I don’t need a new normal, what’s wrong with the…
When I was pregnant with Lenny, I remember the concern I had about reaching the magical 12 week mark where the risks of miscarriage decrease hugely. I felt nervous approaching my 20 week scan as sadly I do know people who have had later second trimester losses so I knew we weren’t yet out of the woods. However, entering the third trimester I began to grow in confidence and even more so as I had a scan at 38 weeks…
Over this last 12 months I thought I had learnt a lot. I spent 10 months learning about construction to build an extension on the back of the house, which I pretty much completed two weeks before Lenny was born, it seems pretty pointless now. However, since the 18th December 2021 I have learnt so much more and have changed so much as a person. Firstly, I really didn’t think that babies died, well that’s a stupid comment, I most…