The Mind-body connection and grief
We primarily tend to think of grief as an emotional experience. However, the intense emotional experience of grief also affects us physically. Sometimes this manifests as physical exhaustion and fatigue which is far more intense than normal feelings of tiredness. It is common to have difficulty waking and difficulty getting going or having structure in your day. I remember that when Lenny died and again when Bhai died, my activity levels significantly reduced, having previously been an active and busy person, I just didn’t have the capacity to do much. Over time, I found that I gradually increased what I was able to do. Now three years on, I tend to plan more rest than I used to do. Both Roy and I find that around anniversaries particularly our exhaustion is particularly intense.
The emotional pain of grief can also manifest in physical symptoms. Just as you will have heard about stress causing physical symptoms, grief can do the same. Things like gastrointestinal discomfort or bodily aches including headaches or muscle aches are common in grief. Personally, I experienced pain in my jaw from clenching my teeth and often awoke with neck pain, both of these symptoms were due to holding tension in my body. Whilst physical symptoms might be caused by grief, this doesn’t make them any less intense or mean that you shouldn’t seek support for them. It is especially important to seek medical advice if you are experiencing new physical symptoms, rather than assuming they are a physical manifestation of grief. Even if they are a physical manifestation of grief it may be that there is something which can be done to support you.
The physical experience of processing trauma
The death of a child is traumatic and both the mind and body process this trauma. Physical trauma responses can include increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness and feelings of panic; it is also common to experience flashbacks for the first few months. This is our body’s way of coping with something that we know is an extreme and stressful event. Our minds cannot decipher between a traumatic memory or flashbacks and the reality of what is happening here and now. So when we experience flashbacks, our mind acts as if this is what is happening now, it really is like reliving events. This is why flashbacks and traumatic memories can be so distressing and why we often experience physical symptoms alongside these. These physical symptoms are our bodies’ fight and flight responses. Our brain is telling our body there is something scary or upsetting happening and our body attempts to protect us from danger by flight (preparing to run away) or fight (preparing to attack the source of danger). This isn’t a logical process, we know we can’t run from or fight our grief, but rather this is an automatic mind and body response. If you think back to far less traumatic, but nevertheless stressful times in life, such as your driving test, you might remember briefly experiencing these symptoms to a much lesser degree. Whilst these experiences are understandable, particularly in early grief, it can be unhelpful for us to be caught in a chronic fight or flight response – it is this that can lead to further health issues etc.
How can we address these physical symptoms?
Just as the mind can affect the body, things we do physically can calm our minds. In this way, the mind-body connection is a feedback loop. We can use techniques in our physical body to calm our minds. These are particularly helpful as often it simply isn’t possible to calm our minds as our anxiety, upset, anger, etc is absolutely justified and understandable.
Below I have included some techniques you can do at home to calm your mind and therefore reduce your physical symptoms. These are known as grounding techniques as they bring the focus to the here and now. These work by encouraging your nervous system to focus on different sensory input, which sends more calming feedback to the brain.
These are useful to do before bed or at any time you feel particularly panicky or worried. The more you practice them, the more you are likely to use them when you need to. You can incorporate them into your day for example, doing the butterfly hug whilst boiling the kettle (if you’re anything like me that means regularly!)
The Butterfly hug: Cross your arms across your chest and place your hands just underneath your shoulders on the front of your chest. Your left hand will be on your right side and vice versa. Breathe deeply and simply tap your body. Here is a demonstration and explanation: www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGGJrqscvtU
Rubbing the backs of your arms: Give yourself a hug and rub the backs of your arms rigorously.
5 sense grounding technique: This is also known as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. Sit comfortably and identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. I find it is particularly helpful to ask someone to take you through this.
Square breathing: Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Imagine a square. You will be timing your breath imagining that you are travelling along the sides of a square. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale slowly and with control for a count of four, hold your breath again for a count of four before again inhaling for a count of four and so on. There are example videos of this on youtube. Repeat this a few times.
These techniques cannot change your reality but they can ground you in the here and now and help with flashbacks and painful memories. If you find that these symptoms are persistent for a long time (more than 6-12 months) it might be worth seeking some support from a trauma specialist.
The mind -body connection and this feedback loop is why Lenny’s Legacy charity offers postpartum Pilates courses, group walks, yoga and weightlifting all free of charge for bereaved parents. We recognise the benefit of bringing people together who have had similar experiences and we recognise the importance of being active and using our physical body to calm our minds in grief.
Utz, R. L., Caserta, M., & Lund, D. (2012). Grief, depressive symptoms, and physical health among recently bereaved spouses. The Gerontologist, 52(4), 460-471.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2003). Psychological trauma. American Psychiatric Pub.