Useful Emotional Responses
If you are a friend or family member of someone whose baby or child has died, you might be feeling all sorts of things and wondering how to manage these big feelings and be there for your person.
Whilst sympathy, “I feel sorry for your pain,” is polite and well-intentioned, it ultimately drives disconnection and is unlikely to make grieving parents feel supported. It has a place and is appropriate for acquaintances and strangers who want to express their sympathy through a card or a simple, “I am so sorry for your loss,” but for friends or family members this approach is too emotionally distant.
One response which is unfortunately common but often unhelpful is pity. Pity is defined by leading emotions researcher, Brene Brown, as involving four elements, “a belief that the suffering person is inferior; a passive, self-focused reaction that does not include providing help; a desire to maintain emotional distance; and avoidance of sharing in the other person’s suffering.” I would suggest that a pity response is more about protecting oneself than it is providing support. Think about times in your life when you have felt pitied – it isn’t a nice feeling is it? In my experience of speaking to hundreds of bereaved parents – honestly they really should not be viewed as pitiful creatures – they have experienced the very worst of human suffering and they’re still here.
So what is useful? – Well, for those brave enough to not turn away from others’ pain, it is compassion and its close cousin empathy! Reader, you may find it surprising that even as a bereaved mum of two, I still have the, ‘I don’t know what to say’ moments. I am often lost for words, I feel powerless and useless, I can’t do anything to lessen the person’s pain. What I can do is witness it and hear them- this requires compassion.
Compassion is described by Brene Brown as, “the ability and willingness to empathise without judgment and face pain.”1 So compassion involves human connection, it is about sitting in the darkness without feeling the need to silverline, minimise or attempt to distract from pain. Grieving people want to be heard, they often want to share their stories without judgment, without having to deal with the discomfort of others, and without someone changing the subject. When I have spoken to the people I have found most supportive in my grief, they have said, “ but I didn’t do anything,” I think this is because they find compassion so easy. Others find it more challenging, maybe they have a tendency or desire to to fix a situation and to grievers this can appear to be dismissive. Compassion in the context of child and baby loss isn’t about doing anything, it is about acknowledging the deep pain, anguish and grief.
In my opinion the most supportive thing you can do for a bereaved parent is to acknowledge and witness their pain AND love their child. Loving their child requires empathy.
Brown describes empathy as, “feeling WITH people.” This doesn’t mean you must walk in their shoes, it doesn’t mean you take on their pain as your own. It means you recognise their emotions. Your role is not to fix their emotional pain, it is not to find a solution or to understand it as if it were your own.
You may never have felt (and hopefully will never feel) anything as painful as the death of a child but you may have felt – lost, confused, despair, hopelessness, anguish, sadness, loss, anger, shock before and if you witness these emotions in bereaved parents your role is to validate and to use your experiences to connect. Think of a time when you have been in emotional pain, would hearing, “that sounds so tough, I can really hear your pain and it is valid” sound more supportive than, “I can’t even imagine.” The former is giving validation, whereas the latter creates emotional distance.
The death of a child, at any age and of any cause is rightly badged as the worst thing that can happen to a person. It is therefore important to treat it as such. It is ok to show some emotion, that is part of feeling WITH people – you can cry because it is sad. When you are in a supportive role, it is important that your words, actions and emotions are focussed on supporting the person or people in pain, not on your own comfort. If you find yourself in uncontrollable tears, it may be more appropriate to take some time – and find someone to talk to otherwise parents end up making you feel better. The phrase, ‘grieve out’ refers to seeking support from those further away from the immediate loss. You can be sad with the parent but the parent shouldn’t be in a situation where they are consoling you over their child’s death.
Having said that the death of a child is the worst thing that can happen to someone – the reason for this is because of the profound love people have for their children. In this way, grief is not all sad. Hence why I say the second most supportive thing you can do for a bereaved parent is to love their child with them. Whether their child lived to adulthood, or died in the womb, the parents will have memories of their child, will have made plans for them and will love them dearly. People easily and willingly love living children, they have a huge list of questions and want to see photos – this makes the silence around baby and child loss feel all the more painful. So many parents really want to speak about their child – just like any other parent.
So how do you love a child who has died? Well – I am figuring that out as time goes on. For us, and for many bereaved parents I know, they appreciate being sent beautiful pictures in nature and being told that you are thinking of their child. Someone I know sends me a message every time she sees a hot air balloon because they remind her of Lenny. Very few people met Lenny but we have pictures all over our house and when people are brave enough to mention them, ask about them or to point out how much he looks like Roy we really appreciate it. The thing with love is there isn’t a finite amount of it. If love is part of your support, not only loving the parents but loving their child or children then this won’t need replenishing. One of the things I have learned in recent years is that people have a huge capacity for love. When we think of grief support in this way and frame it with a focus on love, it becomes less scary and can bring much needed light to parents.
Compassion and empathy go hand in hand and they are also supportive of each other. Research indicates that compassion and empathy use different parts of the brain and that engaging in compassion can alleviate the distress caused by empathising excessively with someone in pain2. The literature suggests that practicing compassion can strengthen resilience and drives connection.
For empathy and compassion to work in the long-term there needs to be some boundaries about what is and isn’t ok – it simply isn’t feasible to be there unconditionally 24/7. So, be clear with yourself and with parents what you can realistically offer and when. For instance, if you want to send them a message checking how they are do you have the physical and emotional space to respond that day? If not maybe send the message when you do. On the other hand if you receive a message that you just aren’t in a place to respond to, it is ok to say, “I received your message, I want to give it the time and attention it deserves, I will get back to you soon.”
So, in a nutshell, it isn’t about taking on their pain, but it is about connecting with it. It is about being able to sit in discomfort and not feel urgency to fix and it is about being honest with yourself and others about what you have capacity for. No one is expecting you to fix the unfixable, no one knows the right thing to say, no one finds this comfortable, but starting from these places we can get further towards connection rather than isolation.
- Brown, B., Shrubsole, G., Parker, P., Hastie, C., Pääbo, S., O’Brien, A. T., … & Larman, A. (2023). Atlas of the heart: mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. ↩︎
- Klimecki, O. M., Leiberg, S., Ricard, M., & Singer, T. (2014). Differential pattern of functional brain plasticity after compassion and empathy training. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 9(6), 873-879. ↩︎