The role of exercise in managing grief:
As a charity we really promote the role of being active in whichever way you choose, preferably in nature. The positive impact of exercise on mental wellbeing is now pretty well documented in research and for us this is reflected in our own experience. Similarly, there is good evidence that spending time in nature can support mental wellbeing and again this is something we experienced ourselves. As a charity we support parents to take part in these kind of activities to support their wellbeing.
How does exercise help?
Clearly exercise and nature cannot alter our reality. I am not for one moment suggesting that going for a walk will make you feel better that your child died. What I am suggesting is that these things can support our capacity to manage our grief. We don’t tend to hear people say that going to the gym, for a walk, run or bike ride made them feel worse, but we often hear that these things can help us feel better even if that is marginal. Exercise can support us in our grief by creating routine, supporting sleep, giving us a sense of purpose and achievement and releasing endorphins. Many parents have also shared with me that they feel most able to express themselves and their emotions when they are engaged with an activity – people explain how the focus on the activity reduces the pressure on them to have deep conversations which often enables them to explore whatever comes up for them.
Specifically in grief, exercise can support us to feel empowered, confident, physically strong and help us to build trust in ourselves and our bodies. It is something we have some control over which is so important at a time when our world feels so out of control. It can also help us to see improvements and change over time. The death of a child places a huge amount of pressure on romantic relationships and exercising together and supporting each other can be a really positive way to support each other through your grief.
An embodied practice…..
You may have heard the phrase ‘embodied practices.’ These describe activities which allow us to be really present within our own body which can be key for grieving people. Embodied practices can support us to build connections with our bodies, to enhance self awareness, foster mindfulness and connection with ourselves. A simple example of an embodied practice is a full body scan – to do this simply close your eyes and concentrate on each body part and focus on relaxing each area of your body as you do this.
Exercise is a type of embodied practice. Some types of exercise such as yoga and pilates are more typically associated with embodied practices because of their focus on breath and controlled movement but other forms of exercise constitute embodied practices when done mindfully.
Sometimes we are able to experience our emotions in our physical body before we are able to name them or articulate them. These kinds of embodied practices can help us to gently explore trauma held in the body and to stay present with our bodies and mind. So, these practices can help us to deal with what is happening at the present moment, this can be helpful particularly when our minds keep taking us back to the most traumatic aspects of our loss.
As an example, doing exercise when you are feeling particularly angry to work through those emotions is an embodied practice. A friend and psychologist once advised me not to let anger sit in my body. Anger is a natural part of grief and exercise can really help us to express it in a healthy way which isn’t harmful to ourselves or other people.
My experience: I enjoyed strength training before Lenny died and I saw it as an important thing to do to support my other sports. In my grief I have found that lifting heavy weights makes me feel like I can carry the emotional weight of grief – becoming physically stronger has made me feel that I am emotionally strong enough to handle feelings of grief. For me, lifting weights requires a lot of concentration so my mind doesn’t tend to wander to difficult places.
In the early days I found it really challenging to stay consistent and didn’t enjoy exercising at all but did it to go through the motions and help me to develop a routine. Personally, because I felt slightly better for doing some movement I would then be more likely to do movement and this became a positive feedback loop.
For a more thorough exploration of the role of physical activity in our grief is one of the themes we explore in our Lenny’s Legacy film which you can watch via Youtube. We cycled over 2,500km with an elevation gain of over three times the height of Everest. This was less than a year after Lenny was born and five months after Bhai was born, it showed me that we really can be fitter and stronger than we have ever been. For me, the film reflects how physical achievements can also reflect hope for us and a sense of moving forward through our grief.
Where to start?
If you are new to exercise or getting back into a routine after a break it is important to start slow. If your baby died and you are postpartum (up to a year after giving birth) then please consider signing up to our free, live, online physio led pilates course and read our physical recovery book which has a chapter on how to start exercising.
Some tips:
Consistency: after experiencing the death of a child you are unlikely to feel motivated to do much nevermind exercise but try to be consistent, go through the motions and over time you might start to enjoy it and feel more motivated;
Company: consider whether you would find it supportive or helpful to exercise with a partner or friend to keep you motivated and consistent;
Variety: you might already have sports that you previously enjoyed. Some people find it particularly difficult to return to their previous activities, so you might want to try new activities and see what works for you;
Realistic: set realistic goals, for example going for a 30 minute walk each day, or working out twice a week. These will be entirely personal to you based on your usual activity levels but given the challenges of managing grief it is better to start small and build up. It isn’t helpful to plan to do 4 gym sessions and beat yourself up if you only manage one. One is better than none!
Listen to your body: grief takes a toll on our bodies. Before exercising consider your sleep, energy, stress levels and take this into account when planning the intensity and duration of exercise;
Goals: it can be really positive to complete an exercise challenge in honour of your child. This could be climbing a mountain, or competing in a race or something else. It can give you something to focus on when grief feels overwhelming.
Comment below with the ways that exercise has helped you. We are interested to hear about whether you tried new forms of exercise or would consider doing this. If you would like to complete a physical challenge and raise money for our little charity we would greatly appreciate it.