“Eyup, Alright mate!”
“Ye, good thanks……..”
WHAT is going on!, I’m so far from alright I can’t even begin to describe… but out of my mouth pops this utter drivel. My mind is saying something totally different, but I cant help make the situation easier for others by telling a complete lie. The question is worded in a way that assumes the answer is yes, so even when I have felt the worst a human can feel, I have said, “ok thanks.” Something needs to change!
Where we live in Sheffield, South Yorkshire, this is a stock interaction between men (Eyup means hello). Whether its a best mate in the pub, or a stranger in the shop, we interact with this method, and it serves its purpose. Although I’ve been accustomed to this phrase for the 36 years of my life, I now as a bereaved parent, have had to change the way I respond
First of all I’m not blaming people for using this phrase at all, but, I need something to change personally. I think people do care, I believe society doesn’t equip men with the vocabulary to talk about how they actually feel. To do so is seen as weak.
Since Lenny’s death I have NEVER felt totally alright. The death of a child is fundamentally wrong and will never be, Alright, good, ok, or any other nice describing word. My life is now shaped by my child and the death of my child. It really sits uncomfortably with me to continue to lie that I’m just ok with the fact that my child died…. I’m NOT and never will be.
Life as a bereaved parent is hard, to sit every day with the knowledge that you will never see that most precious person ever again, it is one of the heaviest weights. Sitting here almost 3 years on from Lenny’s death, the weight of grief is as heavy as it was on the 18th December 2021, but now I’m getting used to carrying that weight. My ability to carry it means I don’t need to rest as much, however, there are still days when I struggle to physically move as a result of the weight of grief.
A more truthful response to “Eyup, Alright mate…” Would actually be, “no, not alright, actually awful, I feel terrible, my child died…….”
There are two possible responses to this return:
- “I’m so sorry, that’s terrible, I don’t blame you for feeling like that”
- “Ok mate” – then that person avoids you for the rest of you life
For those who aren’t bereaved parents out there…. option 2 is by far more common!
(On a side note: when I was in very early grief I just avoided all interactions, to prevent these sorts of conversations, I don’t think whether this was right but it worked for me!)
What do I do? I want to be truthful about how I feel, but also don’t want everyone I interact with to avoid me like I’ve got two heads. I try to be as honest as possible with people I feel comfortable with, those who can handle it! In my life there are few of those, I keep them close. To the acquaintances, my stock response is “steady thanks.” Currently I have a period of relative calm in my life, although I’ve started a totally new career and we are running a charity and parenting all our children. So ‘Steady’, feels like the best descriptor….. although I’m not naïve enough think this can’t change in an instant.
The new Roy is about honesty. I’ve learnt being honest can be hard but relationships and connections become easier as they are based on truth. Truth is not about hurting people. It is about being honest with yourself about how you feel and not trying to make other people feel better about your grief. With honesty we, and especially men, can start to have meaningful and valuable connections. We might even be able to express how we actually feel to other beings….What a novel idea!