Grief brain

Remote control in the fridge? Frozen peas in the cupboard? Forgetting to feed the dogs and yourselves? Walking into a room and you can’t remember what you went in there for? ….. These are all symptoms of what we will call Grief Brain! 

Joking aside, there are real physiological and psychological changes which happen when we experience the grief and trauma which comes with the death of a child which can seriously affect our cognitive ability, or in other words, our ability to think straight. Below, I provide a little explanation of what you might experience and some suggestions of things you can try to help you manage. 

Grief Tired: 

There really is no tired like grief tired! Grief is exhausting. This is in part due to sleepless nights or sleep disturbances which are common in grief. You might find that you struggle to sleep, or that you sleep for an extended period but wake feeling unrefreshed.

As well as this, in early grief our minds are working overtime to make sense of the world around us. A child dying is against the natural order of things, it is the absolute opposite of what anyone would ever expect – so in the background our minds are working hard to make sense of something which simply doesn’t make sense . I remember feeling that my mind was in three places at once, the past, the present and the future – this contributed to the exhaustion I felt. 

Trauma responses will contribute to these feelings of exhaustion. Dr Joanne Cacciatore, a bereaved mum and grief expert explains that the loss of a child at any age or in any circumstances should be considered traumatic grief. Experiencing traumatic things can mean that previously mundane things like trips to the supermarket can be stressful. Our bodies are in a state of fight or flight as our minds and bodies are trying to protect us from further, ‘threat,’ or ‘danger’ so physiologically we might be releasing high levels of adrenaline and cortisol. Emotionally, this will make us feel, on edge, feelings of butterflies in our stomach or deep feelings of dread. We can’t stay in this high alert state 24/7 (though it might feel like this) so when our stress hormones drop slightly, we can crash and feel even more exhausted. 

What helps? 

• Sleep hygiene: Develop a good evening routine such as limit screen time, have a warm bath, read a book. Limit caffeinated drinks throughout the day. Try to stick to a routine of going to bed and waking up around the same time. 
• Practice self compassion: if you can’t get to sleep or you wake up in the night and you are tossing and turning, rather than trying to force yourself to sleep, get up and do something calm like drink a herbal tea or listen to a podcast. 
• Sleep headphones: you can buy headphones which are comfortable to sleep in and play white noise, soothing sounds or audiobooks or podcasts if you find these help calm your mind. 
• Sleep support: If you are really struggling to sleep, speak to your GP about prescription tablets in the short term or to check if herbal sleeping tablets if these are safe for you. 
• Prioritise rest: try to avoid filling all of your time, just because you are technically ‘free’ at a certain time try to avoid filling it with things to do. 
• Pacing: when planning your time consider your energy levels for the next day or few days. 

My experience: I have struggled with sleep for much of my adult life and this worsened considerably when Lenny died. I was reluctant to take prescription sleeping tablets because I have previously found them really hard to stop taking and the rebound insomnia I had was awful. I did however find a herbal sleeping tablet called, Melissa Dreams really works for me. Other things I have found helpful are sticking to a routine, avoiding alcohol and caffeine, limiting screen time after a certain time and reading paper books. I am sensitive to light so we have blackout curtains and I have a warm light reading light which clips onto my book. Roy and I have had an agreement since Lenny died that if either of us wake up in the night in a really awful headspace in our grief, we wake the other up and have a decaf tea. This was a tip from our GP and it has really helped us. 

Brain Fog: 

Brain fog refers to a state where we can’t think straight. It is those examples at the start of the chapter where you just cannot seem to complete simple tasks or function anywhere near how you usually would. We struggle to think clearly because we are exhausted. We are also being flooded with emotions and thoughts which can make it difficult to focus on tasks. Commonly, people find that they can perform high level tasks such as their job which requires lots of concentration, but it is simpler tasks which we often take for granted which can become more overwhelming. Tasks like putting the washing away may now require lots of concentration and are therefore more tiring. So, exhaustion and brain fog go hand in hand and often impact each other. 

What helps? 

• Make lists: shopping lists, to do lists etc etc. You may have been able to hold lots of information before but now your mind is working overtime and you need to make some space; 
• Prioritise: consider what you can realistically manage and what is possible to take off your plate right now. For example, is it possible for you to have time away from work if this is proving difficult?
• Simplify: do one thing at a time and don’t try to multi task
• Self- compassion – give yourself a break. Rather than berate ourselves for doing something silly like putting frozen food in the cupboard, maybe we should reflect on what that says about our mental load. 
• Ask for help: consider who meant it when they said if there was anything they could do to let them know and… let them know! 

The Mind and Body Connection: 

As I explained above, the death of a child is traumatic and both the mind and body process this trauma. You might recognise some physical trauma responses such as increased heart rate, sweating, nausea, lightheadedness and feelings of panic; it is also common to experience flashbacks for the first few months. This is our body’s way of coping with something that we know is an extreme and stressful event. Our minds cannot decipher between a traumatic memory or flashbacks and the reality of what is happening here and now, this is why flashbacks can be so distressing and why we often experience physical symptoms alongside these. 

These physical symptoms are our bodies’ fight and flight responses – our subconscious brain is telling our body there is something scary or upsetting and our body reacts by trying to protect us from danger (hence fight or flight). However, our grief isn’t a lion that we need to escape from and so this isn’t a logical process, it is something that happens automatically. Logically, we know we can’t run or hide from our grief and trauma so our body hinders rather than helps us. If you think back to far less traumatic, but nevertheless stressful times in life, such as your driving test, you might remember briefly experiencing these symptoms to a much lesser degree. 

What helps?

Just as the mind can affect the body, things we do physically can calm our minds. In this way the mind-body connection is a feedback loop. Below I have included some techniques you can do at home to calm your mind and therefore reduce your physical symptoms. These are known as grounding techniques as they bring the focus to the here and now. These work by encouraging your nervous system to focus on different sensory input which sends more calming feedback to the brain. 

These are useful to do before bed or at any time you feel particularly panicky or worried. The more you practice them, the more you are likely to use them when you need to. You can incorporate them into your day for example doing the butterfly hug whilst boiling the kettle (if you’re anything like me that means regularly!) Try them out and see what works for you. 

The Butterfly hug: Cross your arms across your chest and place your hands just underneath your shoulders on the front of your chest. Your left hand will be on your right side and vice versa. Breathe deeply and simply tap your body. Here is a demonstration and explanation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGGJrqscvtU

Rubbing the backs of your arms: Give yourself a hug and rub the backs of your arms rigorously. 

5 sense grounding technique: This is also known as the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. Sit comfortably and identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell and 1 thing you can taste. If you have a trusted support person, it can be helpful to ask them to take you through this. 

Square breathing: Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Imagine a square. You will be timing your breath imagining that you are travelling along the sides of a square. Inhale slowly through your nose for a count of four, hold your breath for a count of four, exhale slowly and with control for a count of four, hold your breath again for a count of four before again inhaling for a count of four and so on. There are example videos of this on youtube. Repeat this a few times. 

Over time you will find which of these techniques work for you to quieten your mind. These techniques are called grounding techniques because they encourage us to engage with the here and now and the simplicity of things like our surroundings and our breath. You may feel more mental clarity when you quieten your mind, you are more likely to sleep better and to think more clearly.  

Bereaved parents tell me that the exhaustion, brain fog and physical symptoms are worst in the early days, weeks and months – this reflects my own experience. However, I also find that there are certain times of the year when my capacity is particularly limited and I feel much more exhausted. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate what works for you and what energy you have. Trust that over time your energy and capacity will grow.