I wrote some of this blog when I was in hospital with Bhai, I edited it again a few days after and then updated it recently at the bottom. It is about our request that Bhai’s body be donated for medical science. The layout of the room was the same, the hospital “snack box” was the same and we were back making the same decisions that no parent should ever have to make for their child. Again. Twice in 8…
A job title I wouldn’t have known existed a year ago. It doesn’t even make sense. A job title that is in itself an oxymoron- death and birth in one job title. Birth and death coexisting together? Happening at the same time? I long for the days I thought that only happened in a bygone era. Of course it doesn’t make sense. Babies dying. Healthy, full term babies dying makes quite literally no sense. Yet it happens. On average 13…
Mim: It was an unconventional start to a relationship which I would probably call more of a friendship now……. one of the first interactions I had with Emily was her putting a few stitches in my nether regions. That isn’t my usual approach to making friends. I will rewind a little here. Lenny was born following a straightforward labour where there were no concerns until the last few minutes, the room filled with people, he was born and immediately resuscitated….
If there is one piece of advice I could give to those supporting bereaved parents it would be this – say their baby’s name. We know that when Lenny died, people were unsure if it was ok to say his name, so we made it pretty clear to those around us it wasn’t just ok but that we wanted people to say his name. We now understand this to be very common amongst other bereaved parents. Parents spend hours and…
October is baby loss awareness month, specifically 9th-15th October is baby loss awareness week. On the 15th October there is a global wave of light, at 7pm wherever you are in the world everyone is invited to light a candle for all the babies who have died. This is the first baby loss awareness month which has directly affected us after our son Lenny died at 40 weeks just after he was born due to a cord accident and losing…
40 weeks and 2 days. The exact amount of time we had with you alive. Today marks 40+2 days since you were born and died in front of our eyes. I don’t know how I am still breathing. I don’t know how my heart carried on beating after yours stopped. It will forever be a mystery to me why I haven’t drowned in my own tears on my bathroom floor. After today we will cross the threshold into spending more…
Dear Bobby, This isn’t the letter I wanted to write. It just isn’t how it is supposed to be but sadly it is the way it has turned out. You’re 3 years old! But you have been loved for much longer than 3 years – you are the first person I ever loved before I met you. I loved you as soon as I found out your mum was pregnant and I have loved you more every day since. We…
Content warning: this is heavy, you may want to look at pictures of puppies after reading To carry a baby to full term with a perfect pregnancy, to turn up to hospital having contractions and full of excitement with a car seat in the car, to have a straightforward labour and birth and for our baby boy Lenny to die as we watched helplessly is unfathomable. To arrive at hospital less than 8 months later and halfway through another pregnancy…
Well there aren’t are there!? Literally no words. Even my friend who never swears swore about how bad it is that Lenny died. I haven’t seen her since Bhai died – maybe now every second word is F*ck? We received a card for our wedding anniversary – I don’t know who it is from because it had no words in it, zero. People have literally run out of words. People have text me saying “I don’t know what to say”…
I can’t believe this is an international day that we now know about. I can’t believe you are a bereaved father – twice. I can’t believe how many bereaved fathers there are and yet only people in this shitty club know this day exists, the rest of the world can ignore it. A year ago we were anticipating Lenny’s arrival. A textbook healthy pregnancy entering the third trimester – we were on the home straight. We thought our biggest problem…