When Lenny died everything changed. When Bhai died everything changed again. The loss of our two sons has been profound and devastating but when your child dies it isn't “just” their loss that you grieve or that changes. This isn't something we have mentioned much because the loss of our sons has been so catastrophic it has eclipsed everything else but most people would find these life changes alone to be stressful and difficult. In my discussions with bereaved parents it has become really apparent to me that we are not alone in this and that these are huge life changes experienced by so many of us.
Read MoreAfter almost two years of hearing how people, “can't even imagine” my life and what it is to be a bereaved parent I'm finding myself in a position where people are imparting their knowledge or experience on me because they at some point had a child (who lived).
Read MoreIt is 3rd July here in the UK - National Bereaved Parents Day and July is National Bereaved Parents Month. The idea of this day and month is to raise awareness that very sadly children die and leave behind grief stricken parents. This is to recognise parents bereaved through pregnancy, infant and child death at any age and through any cause.
Read MoreTo the dads on Father's Day,
For the dads who have experienced infertility, or the loss of a baby or child at any gestation, age or in any circumstance, or a combination of the above. This is for you.
28th December 2022 little Bhai's due date. Though to prevent risks of meconium aspiration I would likely have been induced 2 weeks earlier- around Lenny's first birthday. Bittersweet. We knew his arrival wouldn't make Lenny's death easier or the grief easier but we also knew he would bring us so much joy.
Read MoreChristmas 2021 - my due date was the 16th December so we knew we would be bringing a baby home before Christmas. We planned to have Christmas just us with our new baby for the first time.
Read MoreOne. Probably the cutest age. I remember your cousin Bobby turning one, we made him a custom built balance bike - totally age inappropriate but amazing.
Read MoreThis is why we are cycling from Auckland to Queenstown and making a film to raise awareness of baby loss. 832. It isn't the number of miles we will do, it isn't the number of hours Roy will wear the same pair of pants before he changes them and it isn't even the number of times puppy Mac wags his tail in the space of a minute.
Read MoreThe layout of the room was the same, the hospital “snack box” was the same and we were back making the same decisions that no parent should ever have to make for their child. Again. Twice in 8 months.
Our options were a private funeral or a hospital funeral. A private funeral would mean us going to the funeral directors and planning another funeral for our second son. Holding a funeral for our second child. Our second child's funeral in the space of a year.
Read MoreA job title I wouldn't have known existed a year ago. It doesn't even make sense. A job title that is in itself an oxymoron- death and birth in one job title. Birth and death coexisting together? Happening at the same time? I long for the days I thought that only happened in a bygone era. Of course it doesn't make sense. Babies dying. Healthy, full term babies dying makes quite literally no sense. Yet it happens.
Read MoreIt was an unconventional start to a relationship which I would probably call more of a friendship now……. one of the first interactions I had with Emily was her putting a few stitches in my nether regions. That isn’t my usual approach to making friends. I will rewind a little here.
Read MoreOctober is baby loss awareness month, specifically 9th-15th October is baby loss awareness week. On the 15th October there is a global wave of light, at 7pm wherever you are in the world everyone is invited to light a candle for all the babies who have died.
Read More40 weeks and 2 days. The exact amount of time we had with you alive. Today marks 40+2 days since you were born and died in front of our eyes.
Read MoreContent warning: this is heavy, you may want to look at pictures of puppies after reading
To carry a baby to full term with a perfect pregnancy, to turn up to hospital having contractions and full of excitement with a car seat in the car, to have a straightforward labour and birth and for our baby boy Lenny to die as we watched helplessly is unfathomable.
Well there aren't are there!? Literally no words. Even my friend who never swears swore about how bad it is that Lenny died. I haven't seen her since Bhai died - maybe now every second word is F*ck? We received a card for our wedding anniversary - I don't know who it is from because it had no words in it, zero. People have literally run out of words. People have text me saying “I don't know what to say” and I just reply saying “nor do I.”
Read MoreI can't believe this is an international day that we now know about. I can't believe you are a bereaved father - twice. I can't believe how many bereaved fathers there are and yet only people in this shitty club know this day exists, the rest of the world can ignore it.
Read MoreWe aren't a gushy couple - never celebrated Valentine's Day, once Roy bought me some mountain biking shoes for a wedding anniversary and once I bought him a picture. We value each others' presence over presents. But we love each other so much.
Read MoreDear Lenny, 8 months since the best and worst day of our lives. 8 months since we arrived at the hospital, me having contractions full of joy and excitement. 8 months since we witnessed the shock and devastation on the faces of the wonderful medical team who tried so hard to save you. 8 months since you were born and then you died. There are lots of things about that day that I will never forget, like the look on the doctor's face when he told us that you were gone - but there are also lots of things about that day I never ever want to forget.
Read MoreSomeone I spoke to about Lenny's death before Bhai died shared with me some of her journey with IVF. One of the comments she made which stuck with me is that we have so little control over the whole of fertility, pregnancy and childbirth.
Read MoreMy birthday was less than two months after Lenny died. I absolutely dreaded it. Another cruel 'milestone' that I was supposed to celebrate with my son. Also, Lenny died on his birthday, how could I celebrate my birthday or anyone else's ever again?
Read MoreLittle Bhai gave us hope at a time when then world was the darkest place imaginable. Bhai is the name we gave to our second son - it means brother in Hindi.
Read MoreLenny's death has recently been officially classified as a neonatal death. Before this, it wasn't entirely clear whether Lenny died in the last seconds of labour which would be classed as an intrapartum stillbirth or a neonatal death. As parents you always want to know exactly what happened to your child but these small details don't make a difference because the fact of the matter remains that we never held him in our arms whilst he was alive.
Read MoreWhen Lenny died we were in shock. We went to the hospital full of excitement (well Roy was, I was in the van thinking we better get there quick this baby is coming and it turns out I was right). The rest of the labour was quick and straightforward until right at the end when his heartrate decelerated. The doctors knew he needed to be born and were ready to offer a little bit of help. No one thought he would die. Lenny was born and died within an hour of us arriving at the hospital.
Read MoreI read a Guardian article which made me cross, well not the article but the topic. It is about something termed, 'prolonged grief'. The DSM is the Diagnostic Statistical Manual which categorises mental health disorders in the US, it is very influential in the UK, anyway now the disorder, 'prolonged grief' has been added. The article does discuss some general scepticism about the DSM (rightly in my opinion). I have some additional concerns to add to this list like that the process of adding 'disorders' to the DSM is a notoriously unscientific process, a lack of empirical evidence for the existence of some of these disorders and that the number of mental health disorders has grown significantly in recent decades.
Read MoreWhen I was pregnant with Lenny, I remember the concern I had about reaching the magical 12 week mark where the risks of miscarriage decrease hugely. I felt nervous approaching my 20 week scan as sadly I do know people who have had later second trimester losses so I knew we weren't yet out of the woods. However, entering the third trimester I began to grow in confidence and even more so as I had a scan at 38 weeks to check Lenny's positioning and everything looked perfect - I finally felt fully relaxed. At the back of my mind, I knew that later losses could happen but I assumed this was the case when pregnancies went over 41 weeks or when there were maternal or foetal health risks. Put simply, I'm not sure I was fully aware that full-term babies could die in the womb or during labour after a perfectly healthy pregnancy.
Read MoreBright lights, neatly packed rows and so many people walking around being so normal. There is nothing more 'normal' or 'run of the mill' than nipping to the shop to pick up a few things. But when you are feeling anything but normal it is the most abnormal of experiences. There should be warning signs for grieving people that supermarkets are absolutely not safe places to be. We had been in this shop so many times but the last time was when we picked up the last few items for my hospital bag. Just weeks later we were in the same shop the day before our son's funeral - grim.
Read MoreWe sat opposite the two most sensible people we know after one of the meals they had kindly cooked us. They have two great dogs - cocker spaniels - who we were fussing. We started talking dogs (our favourite topics of conversation are pretty much bikes, dogs and food). They mentioned their family members had just had a litter of puppies - a direct line to their dog.
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